What Keeps You Coming Back?

Currently I’m in the midst of a new type of busy.

At one point in my life I was hustling around the Twin Cities teaching 15-20 yoga classes a week. At the end of each day I was physically exhausted and needed lots of couch time to decompress. However, even when my schedule was full from guiding others through their practice, I knew I needed to carve out time for my own yoga practice. At that point in my life my practice was mainly a laboratory to work out what I’d be teaching in my upcoming classes. Or I’d do a practice that would prepare me and prevent injury for whatever demonstrations I’d be doing that week in the classes I taught.

In those days, I came back to my yoga mat to stay limber and spark some inspiration as a yoga teacher. I also needed my yoga practice to keep me grounded. Fluttering around from studio to studio can feel taxing. Rolling out my mat was one way to for me to shut down the hustle - even if just temporarily.

Now my life looks a bit different.

Rather than driving around the Twin Cities with a car full of sweaty yoga clothes and various yoga props, I now have a dog (or two) in my backseat. We’re on our way to offer social-emotional therapy dog sessions during a time when young people and adults desperately need mental health support. What I feel now is a different type of exhaustion.

And, due to this different type of exhaustion, I still need to carve out time for my yoga practice.

I now show up on my yoga mat in a different way than I had a few years ago. Usually my practice is physically quiet. I almost always prioritize sitting and breathing over working through sequences or increasing my mobility in preparation for big shapes.

Even though my practice looks different than it may have 3 or more years ago, I still show up. I continue to come back because I know my mind and body need me to keep coming back.

I keep coming back to my yoga practice so that I can show up more fully for the students in my therapy dog sessions.

I keep coming back to my yoga practice so that I am calmer and less reactive during challenging interactions.

I keep coming back to my yoga practice so that I am more present when I am with my family and friends.

I keep coming back to my yoga practice because it just feels good.

So I ask you, reader, what keeps you coming back to your practice?

Quit Scrolling & Go Watch the Pups Romp

As I sit at my laptop I’m full of all sorts of emotions.

Joy. Pride. Excitement. Gratitude.

Yesterday was Give to the Max Day. For Minnesota nonprofits it is the day to ask your supporters to donate their hard-earned money to keep your mission alive. I hate fundraising and Give to the Max Day stresses me out to the max.

Last year was my first big Give to the Max Day. As a new-ish employee at Canine Inspired Change I was thrust into contacting previous donors, sending newsletter blasts, and constantly posting on social media all in hopes that folks would feel inspired to fund social-emotional therapy dog programs. Due to COVID our team worked from own home offices. Throughout the day we would constantly hit refresh on our web browsers to see the most up-to-date donation totals. I spent the whole day simmering in anxiety.

Millie, Larry, Maple & Wallace living their best lives.

Last year’s anxiety sent me into prep-mode for this year. As I prepared the dogs to head into the office for a full day of fundraising, I just thought to myself, “Today is going to probably be stressful and that’s okay.”

Nonprofit work is hard. It is rewarding and hard. You hope and pray the public, family foundations, grant programs believe in your mission and want to float you some cash to help the organization move forward. I do not manage well with this constant reminder. Luckily, I have a great boss and mentor who constantly reminds me, “If we have to fold the organization then we have to fold the organization. The work we did is the important part.” (I hope everyone has a wise person like my boss in their life.)

Yesterday morning I had amped myself up for an anxiety-filled day and the build up ended up being unnecessary.

Thanks to a pack of puppies, I spent most of Give to the Max Day watching adorable dogs romp through our training facility. Lots of dogs in one space means managing lots of dog personalities. My time of scrolling through social media, updating posts, and refreshing our fundraising page was extremely limited because I was too busy watching dogs tug on toys and race around after each other.

My two goofs: Wallace & Maple

Don’t get me wrong. Work was done. Between puppy play times I would hop on my computer to give social media followers updates and remind folks that we had matching donations to meet. My anxiety would start to swell but then Wallace’s bark would snap me out of it and I’d be back to my role as puppy wrangler. And after a full day of puppy romping our team hit refresh on the web browser one more time. We had raised almost $20,000 for social-emotional therapy dog programming. Rather than feeling stressed I was left feeling invigorated and in absolute awe of the community’s generosity.

This morning I’ve been reflecting. How many times have you worked yourself up over the outcome of a future event? How many times was that build up unnecessary? And what would happen if you just hit pause and watched some dogs play?

This is exactly why programs like Canine Inspired Change work. Young people and adults, even if just for 25 minutes once a week, have the opportunity to step away from their devices and pet a dog, teach a dog to sit, and troubleshoot a dog training challenge with their peers.

And maybe it’s not dogs romping around together! Yoga, running, meditation, painting, fishing. It’s important to consider: What helps you stop scrolling, take a step back, take a breath, and just be?

Maybe I'm Just Getting Older

I recently celebrated my 35th birthday.

I’m not much of a birthday person. I don’t like to make a big thing of it.

This year my husband offered to make a dinner reservation. Instead I took the day off from work, and requested that we let the dogs run at a Wildlife Management Area and have Culver’s for dinner. It was pretty great.

I don’t think 30 year-old Erin would have planned such a birthday.

Although with the new birthday requests, there’s been some other changes I’ve noticed throughout the summer. I’m less consumed by social media, I’ve felt less inclined to submerge myself in the hustle, and lately I’ve felt really good about saying, “I’m not interested.”

Maybe I’m just getting older. Or maybe I’m narrowing down my priorities. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.

It could also be that therapy really works. And talking about life’s challenges with an unbiased human is an important practice for everyone’s mental health.

There was a time in my life when it seemed like I was never doing enough. I regularly felt like I needed to promote my classes more - even though I was not compensated to do so and was not paid more if more students attended my classes. It seemed like I had to host more workshops, more trainings, more retreats. And all of that I need to do more is a guaranteed path to burnout.

Although stepping away from teaching yoga full-time was a challenge for me and my identity, I know it’s been incredibly good for me! I’m able to focus on myself, my dogs, and consider other professional outlets.

And I know my 12 years hustling as a full-time yoga teacher helped me create a thick skin and incredibly strong work ethic.

After all this time, I still love teaching yoga. I actually think I love teaching yoga more now that I’ve stepped away from it a bit.

I suppose if you’re feeling burned out or uninspired you might benefit from taking a break from social media, finding a therapist you jive with, getting outside, and petting a dog or two.

Identity Crisis

For about the last decade I was regularly met with a question about my career:

You teach yoga full-time?

I’d proudly respond with a resounding Yes!

It’s been an incredible and rewarding journey to build my career as a full-time yoga teacher. In almost 12 years I have taught over 10,000 public yoga classes, organized dozens of specialty classes and workshops, and I have lost count of the number of yoga teacher trainings I have facilitated.

As special as it is to be a full-time yoga teacher, it also has its challenges.

Often the hours aren’t awesome. Years of teaching early morning, evening, and weekend classes gets taxing on relationships. Depending on the situation the pay can be borderline demeaning. Plus hustling hard to maintain that full-time schedule is exhausting.

As with any long time career, I suppose, there’s the challenge of separating the individual from the career. For 12 years “Erin J” has become synonymous with yoga teacher and that’s about it. When you have deep passion for something it’s hard to separate yourself from that passion. Plus, there’s that nagging feeling that if you want to be successful you must push yourself to do more.

When COVID hit I went into survival mode. I became almost desperate and lived from a place of scarcity. And it wasn’t even scarcity of resources. I was fine. My husband was fine. But the lack of yoga classes on my schedule sent me into a spiral of I have to do more!

Because if I wasn’t teaching yoga, then who was I?

Turns out there’s more to Erin J than just being a yoga teacher. I drink far too much sparkling water. I think soccer is the most incredible team sport. I have seen every episode of Dawson’s Creek at least six times. Every morning I make coffee in a manner that takes far too long, but I love every second of it. I really enjoy 80’s music. And I think dogs are the most amazing creatures.

Speaking of dogs, 2020 opened up so many opportunities for me - like doing good with my dog at Canine Inspired Change. These were opportunities that allowed for me to actually consider who I am and how I want to live. Turns out I was tethered to the hamster wheel of my yoga teaching life. I was on autopilot and didn’t know how to locate the off switch.

Teaching yoga is a special career. Whether one teaches yoga full-time or part-time doesn’t actually matter.

It has taken me a very long time to actually believe that last sentence. I can say I wholeheartedly believe it now.

This isn’t my farewell note to teaching yoga. It’s kind of the opposite. It’s more like a celebration of what was and what is to come. Turns out reducing the number of classes I offered left me more inspired than ever. By being more selective in the classes I teacher I now know I am able to provide students with a practice that feels sustainable and authentic to me as an educator and human being.

At the end of the day, my yoga practice is what permeates all. Whether I’m training therapy dogs, developing websites, or writing this long-winded blog post, my yoga practice is constantly present. Teaching yoga is just a skill I picked up a while back. The actual practice of yoga is about how I interact with myself and the world around me. Yoga isn’t about titles or the labels the world wants to put upon us. Besides, isn’t it about time we put less weight in those labels anyway?

Please Stop Apologizing For Your Body

The other week I was between classes and had to leave the studio. I decided to sit in my car for some alone time. The moment I shut my car door I began to cry. I’m sure there was a lot wrapped up in that cry. A good cry is necessary sometimes. But I know this cry was connected to an interaction from earlier that day.

That morning I checked a student into class and asked how they were doing. The student proceeded to tell me this was their first yoga class in a long time. They shared that they felt out of shape and would most likely take class very slowly. They were sure they wouldn’t be able to keep up with the tempo of class.

Then came the apologies.

Before class even started the student apologized for the modifications they’d probably take in class and for the breaks they would probably take throughout class. I replied with, “You have nothing to be sorry about. Please take class at your own pace and make choices that feel right for you.”

Right before the student walked into the studio they turned around and said, “Oh. And I’m coming back from having two kids.”

In all my years of teaching there’s many moments that have stuck with me. I know the interaction I had with this student will be one of those stick-with-me moments.

This student’s apology prior to the beginning of a class was not unique. Especially during COVID I have been met with all sorts of apologies and explanations from students.

I’m so out of shape.

I’m sorry I haven’t shown up for practice in a while.

I put on a lot of weight over the last few months.

I’ll probably tap out at some point because I probably won’t be able to make it through the entire class.

Just ignore me. I’ll probably be moving very slowly.

After I receive an apology from a student, I wonder, What have we done? What is it about yoga and yoga spaces that makes students feel like they have to apologize for the way they look, move, or show up?

Let me acknowledge that humans are generally insecure. Whether it’s showing up for a yoga class, a wedding, a Zoom meeting, school graduation, brunch with friends - we’re all incredibly hard on ourselves and constantly judge our appearance. At least for me, the moment someone gives me a compliment I’m quick to provide a self-deprecating rebuttal. I understand we’re all our hardest critic.

From my own experience I know COVID has been challenging in more ways than one. My routine was thrown out of whack. I stopped working out as much as I had. I was deeply depressed and that depression was present in every single thing I did or did not do. I gained a fair amount of weight and struggled (and still struggle) with looking a pictures that were taken during COVID.

I can acknowledge all of these challenges and remember that I have been surviving a pandemic. People have been dying. Folks have been isolated. We have been living through unprecedented, heart breaking, and eye opening times. Sure, humans are resilient creatures. At the same time humans can only process so much intensity at once. Your yoga practice shouldn’t be adding to your struggles!

Rather than getting sad about the whole thing, I’ll do something constructive that brings me peace and a sense of calm:

I’ll create lists!

Yoga students:

• Keep in mind that the practice of yoga is there for you no matter the shape of your body.

• Find yoga teachers who help you feel good about yourself no matter how you show up.

• Consider taking classes where you aren’t constantly exposed to mirrors - Sure, they can be helpful for alignment, but what are you they doing to your mental space?

• Yoga isn’t just a physical practice! For real, folks. Just the shapes are only exposing you to the tiniest fraction of yoga’s (and your!) potential.

Yoga teachers - y’all better consider yourself to be students, too:

• Be mindful of using language like modification. Modification indicates there’s a hierarchy of options. Consider offering variations or options. Plus, explain why someone might choose a specific option.

• Can we all agree that phrases like bikini body, earn your dessert, and 6-pack abs do not belong in the yoga space?

• Speak to other aspects of yoga that do not involve placing the body in physical shapes. I know. As an alignment-based teacher I constantly speak to the body. I also know it’s just as important to touch upon things like focus, self-regulation, and choice within the practice.

• Make a stance that diet culture and body-shaming are not welcome. Period.

Everyone, consider how you are consuming yoga. Over the last couple years I’ve done a massive purge on my social media feeds. I am not interested in following accounts who pitch diet supplements under the guise of yoga. If I have the slightest feeling that an account makes me feel bad about myself I instantly hit the unfollow button and that freedom feels real good.

Yoga is about liberation. Yoga is about finding a method of practice that allows for you to feel a sense of union with Self, the greater whole, and/or a higher power. If your practice is making you feel like you have to apologize for how you show up for a practice then it is definitely time to reconsider that practice.

Community Inquiry

About a year or two leading up to COVID I rarely took a group yoga class. The majority of my practice was spent alone in my office guiding myself through asana and meditation or moving through a pre-recorded flow taught by my teacher online. It was my preferred situation.

I like being alone. I like my quiet time. And my practice is just meant for me.

It’s taken me awhile to realize I’m in the minority here. Turns out a self guided practice or moving along with a video leaves practitioners feeling like something’s missing.

Early in COVID I was jazzed to have access to live, online classes with my teacher. He’s in San Francisco and I haven’t taken a live class with him since 2017. After a few weeks of live classes it dawned on me that it wasn’t just his class I was looking forward to - I was excited to see other faces practicing right there with me. Out of the 50+ students in the Zoom class I may have known a couple personally, but it didn’t matter. I was simply pleased to know there were other people in the world moving through the same flow for one hour.

I gained more insight into the importance of group-learning when I launched Voyager: Online Collective Yoga Exploration in the fall of 2020. My intention for the program was to connect with a consistent group of students and build upon concepts over time. Little did I realize the structure led to something very special - community.

I have never considered myself to be a community organizer or connector. Again, I like my alone time. I’m pretty introverted and need my space to feel like a whole, functioning human. And yet, during a very strange and challenging time in history, I have found myself organizing opportunities for folks to feel connected to a community.

As much as I harp on the idea that yoga is a practice of self inquiry, I also have to acknowledge that the practice of yoga can be a process of community inquiry. Sometimes it’s less about connecting to your own mental and emotional states and more about connecting with the people you are practicing alongside.

If you aren’t back to in-person group classes, I understand. If you’re missing the experience of moving and breathing in a physical space with community, I understand. Although a virtual community isn’t exactly the same as sharing physical space with people, just know that it is possible. It is possible to connect with others and establish community even while we’re in our own Brady Bunch squares.

Whether you’re practicing in studios, virtually, or on your own, I hope you know there’s community supporting you along the way.

But Don't You Miss Yoga Studios?

A lot of unexpected things have happened during the time of COVID. Not just for me. For everyone.

Before I go any further, let’s all reflect upon the fact that we’re all doing our best to survive a pandemic. A PANDEMIC. I don’t want to be too light on the subject. It is wild. We’re isolating ourselves from our loved ones, wearing masks everywhere we go, and we have maybe/probably/most likely developed some form of agoraphobia.

WILD!

Like so many, COVID gave me time to think, think, think. (Anyone else now have the Blues Clues song stuck in their head? No? Just me? Cool.) It took a pandemic for me to stop my hamster wheel and consider how I was living my life. Pre-COVID I was on autopilot bouncing around from Studio Location A to Studio Location B only to end up back at A 6 hours later to teach my fourth class of the day. I don’t want it to get lost that I love my job of teaching yoga, but being a yoga teacher is often exhausting.

I was recently listening to one of my favorite podcasts, The Cut, and got super excited to listen to an episode entitled Do You Actually Miss the Yoga Studio? Without listening to the episode I responded with a resounding, “NO!”

Full transparency, as I type this I am currently teaching for a few studios, one of which is offering in-person classes. I’ll go more into that later.

The podcast episode features yoga teachers discussing the challenges of teaching during COVID plus the freedom many yoga teachers are experiencing now that they’re on their own and paving their path in the virtual world. I felt everything these yoga teachers had to share.

Unlike some of the teachers featured on the podcast, I enjoy teaching yoga online. Sure, demonstrating more than I’m used to can be hard physically and mentally. And sure my few classes where not a single soul turns on their camera can feel uncomfortable and lonely. But it’s nice to make my coffee in the morning, put Wallace the dog in his designated spot next to my mat, and turn on Zoom to teach a class that 100% resonates with me as a teacher.

But don’t I miss physical yoga studios?

Of course I do! Although I’m still uneasy about teaching in-person classes, it is so nice to see 3-dimensional bodies!

Even though many students are back to their favorite physical yoga studios and following the proper precautions, personally, it does not feel the same. At least where I teach, I sit in one spot for one hour and say my words. There’s minimal interaction before and after class as it’s necessary to move folks in and out of the space in a timely manner to minimize time in the space and allow for the cleaning and disinfecting process to occur.

Never in my teaching career - even when I was teaching 22 classes a week at six different locations - has teaching yoga felt transactional. Now, when I teach in-person the process feels transactional. In a time when humans are craving human connection, I feel utterly disconnected from the people I am guiding through practice. As much as I try to shift my mindset and remember I am teaching during a very unique time, I still struggle with the process.

On the flipside, teaching in-person at a studio has its perks! I don’t have to rely so heavily on self-promotion or entice folks to show up. Students just show up for the in-person classes I teach without effort. It is quite pleasant to not have to worry about how many people will show up for your class that day.

Ironically, when I teach my own offerings online it does not feel transactional. With those classes my income is 100% connected to how many students attend class. And somehow it does not feel transactional. Instead it feels right. It feels right to take ownership of how I facilitate practice and create community. Oddly I have felt more connected to students online over the last 11 months than I have felt to students I’ve seen in real life over the last 11 years. It could be because we now see each other’s pets, kids, piles of laundry, partners, etc. during practice. In a way, our humanness is now on display during practice. I really enjoy that element.

If you’re still practicing yoga during these challenging times, and I truly hope you are, I’ve got some suggestions for ya:

Practicing In-Person?

Be super patient with the teachers and staff in the space. There’s a lot of new policies and procedures in place to keep everyone safe. Teaching a class is not a yoga teacher’s only responsibility.

Do your best to not get upset if a teacher doesn’t want to engage with you for a long gab session before or after class. I know. I miss those too. Many teachers, myself included, get nervous about being indoors with a group of students. Sure, we’re all wearing masks, but it still feels like risky behavior to many of us.

Practicing Online?

Never feel pressured to practice with with your camera on, but consider turning on your mic briefly or send a short message in the chat box to say hi. You might even let the teacher know how you’re feeling that day so that the teacher can support you in that practice.

Put a practice time on your calendar and keep the commitment. As a teacher who has leaned into running her own business, it’s hard to not take things personally. I keep reminding myself that practicing with a screen isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Plus Zoom fatigue is real. If you have the ambition, please keep showing up to support teachers and studios even if it means connecting with your teacher via a screen.

However you’re practicing I hope your practice is bringing you joy during these tough times. Whether you miss yoga studios or are content practicing in your own space, I encourage you to keep showing up.

If you’re into podcasts, be sure to check out The Cut’s episode on teaching during the time of COVID.

Nothing is Easy

Everything feels especially hard right now, right?

The simple task of feeding the dog feels like it sucks all the energy out of me. (Don’t worry. I am not neglecting the pets.)

Nothing has felt easy in 2020 and I know that’s the case for just about everyone.

I entered 2020 thinking this was my year to slow down and minimize the hustle. Turns out the hustle in 2020 had to increase dramatically. Sadly yoga studios shut down temporarily and permanently. I was laid off twice this year and I have been left wondering what’s to become of my yoga teaching career.

While I’ve been left feeling very unsettled, it’s been an odd and sometimes fulfilling process. I’ve developed special classes, series offerings, and long-form programs that have fed my desire to teach in clear a manner while also cultivating a special sense of community all through the power of Zoom.

I’ve spent the last few weeks scratching my head thinking “What do I do now?” Teaching weekly drop-in classes at a handful of studios has been my staple for over a decade, however, as mentioned above, studios are downsizing their schedules and closing their doors permanently. Twiddling my thumbs until a studio reopens to in-person classes and offers me a robust teaching schedule feels like terrible use of my time.

My options feel limited.

That is unless I lean heavily on myself. Expanding and diversifying my own offerings feels like my strongest option at this time.

Even though it’s not easy, I’m going to stick with it. I’m going to stay steady, focused, and remember I’m doing something worthwhile. I have something valuable to offer those who are interested. And as long as folks are interested, I’ll keep doing this yoga teaching thing.

I’ve said it time and time again, I do not want to run my own yoga studio. And I think what I actually don’t want is to be responsible for a space - rent, utilities, maintenance, shoveling snow in the winter. With the broader acceptance of virtual yoga classes, it now feels right. The overhead is different - website hosting, recording and audio equipment, Zoom subscription - but the undertaking feels doable.

It’s not going to be easy. Nothing feels easy right now. But sticking with it feels easier than stepping away from a career I’ve spent so long developing.

To be continued.

Discomfort & Choice

Here we are again. Erin reflects upon her 10+ years of teaching, winces at some of her commonly used phrases, and needs to create a blog post dissecting it.

Let’s set the scene:

You’ve rolled out your mat in your favorite corner of your favorite yoga studio. Other students are filing in and you kindly smile at those who set their mat near yours. (This scenario is in a non-COVID world, of course.) The teacher comes in and you take a deep breath. It is now time to be told to move and breathe.

During challenging shapes that require a fair amount of range of motion or strength you hear your teacher say, Lean into your discomfort. And so you do. Half Pigeon might not feel super awesome in that practice, but you sweat it out and stick with it because discomfort is good.

A few hours after practice your knee hurts. The next day your knee hurts even more. And you’re left wondering, Was leaning into my discomfort the best choice for me in that moment?

-End scene-

That scenario is common in yoga and it’s complex.

Yoga & Discomfort

I know for a fact I have said something along the lines of If you’re feeling pain back off, but if you’re feeling discomfort breathe into it no less than a hundred times. It’s one of the long list of phrases young yoga teachers hear their teachers say and so they parrot the phrase without actually thinking about what they’re offering their students.

Yes, pain and discomfort could be classified as two different things. But how do we know? Deep down can we truly decipher the difference? Maybe discomfort is painful. Maybe sustained moments of discomfort can produce a sense of suffering.

So what’s yoga got to say about this whole discomfort, pain, and suffering thing?

In Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra there’s a lot of talk about suffering orduḥkha. Suffering is also described as a feeling of lack, unhappiness, or being dissatisfied. According to the Yoga Sutra and other yogic texts, suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience.

The ego gets in the way and we suffer. We create division between subject and object; the creation of opposites causes us to suffer. We create attachment to material objects and we continue to suffer.

In a nutshell we’re all doomed to a life full of suffering according to Patanjali. Pretty bleak, huh? But there is hope!

Moments of pain, sorrow, and suffering will always be present in our lives. When those moments of pain arise it’s important to consider the cause. Why am I experiencing a sense of suffering? Consider what’s deeper. What’s further below the baselayer of the pain I’m feeling?

For example, when our beloved cat passed away in September I was in agony. Sure, he was a cat, but I don’t think I have ever experienced loss and pain on that level before. Even a couple months out I find myself crying over that special guy. There’s something deeper there. My attachment to the past makes me unhappy. Deep down the death of my cat causes me to consider my own mortality which causes me distress. And when I can finally sit with the reality that everything is temporary and my existence is entwined with the existence of all things I might be able to develop a sense of peace and release from the suffering.

Although I find deep value in what Patanjali has to offer, I’m also going to mourn the loss of my cat no matter how much it sucks.

According to Patanjali, we can learn from our discomfort, suffering, and pain to support us as we move forward in life.

Yoga Sutra 2.16 states:

heyam-dukham-anagatam

The pain which is yet to come is to be avoided

Patanjali is not telling me to never adopt another cat to avoid the inevitable loss of another beloved pet. Patanjali is telling me that I can grow from my previous experience of loss. When it inevitably happens again I might be quicker to choose the path of experiencing the pain, investigating the pain, and to be at peace with the pain.

Clearly my the pain of losing my cat was emotional. So how does this all relate back to a movement practice and feeling discomfort in Half Pigeon?

Critical Thinking

From the perspective of a yoga teacher, I always want students to approach my directions in class as suggestions. I trust that students will make choices that are best for their physical and mental states in that moment.

At the same time, as the teacher, I need to be more clear in my language and the intention behind my words. While guiding class I also need to support students in thinking critically in their own practice. If I choose to use language around discomfort, I have to offer up more insight.

Rather than Suck it up, kid! You’re becoming a more resilient human by breathing through that discomfort!

Perhaps I could take that moment to educate my students.

With the example of Half Pigeon, I might ask students to bring awareness to the inside of the front knee, the outside of the front knee, the outside of the front hip, and the inside of the hip. I could provide students the opportunity to investigate the sensations they feel in those places. Then, based on their experience in those specific areas of the body, I’ll also offer an alternative shape or variation that might suit them better in that moment.

I fully understand that in a big group-style class it might not feel possible to provide an individualized option for everyone. I would, however, love to see the yoga community move toward a practice that is customizable and can be individualized even when there’s a lot of people in the room. Rather than setting the goal of getting every student into a specific shape in a synchronized fashion, why not aim to give guidance that allows every student in the room find a version of a shape that helps them feel whole and comforted? I will now descend from my soapbox…

Choices

My hope is that yoga becomes more of a choice-based practice with guidance provided by a teacher.

I understand that some folks show up to be told what to do as they move and breathe and their yoga mats. At the same time, I want to push against that narrative and ask why? Going back to Patanjali, what’s the deeper reason behind our desire to shut off our thinking brain in order to be told what to do? Is it our need to momentarily escape? Is it our deep-seated desire to disconnect? And from what? I’m intentionally using the word our because I absolutely lump myself into all of this thinking.

If I move into Half Pigeon and I experience discomfort, I will choose to make accommodations within that shape to make it feel sustainable for me in that moment. I’m not necessarily bypassing the discomfort. I’m giving myself the opportunity to sit with it in a more manageable manner. The accommodations I make are based on guidance provided by my teacher and I am simultaneously choosing to experience the shape in a way that feels supportive to my body and mind.

Boundaries

Ultimately this is a very long, not-super-linear way of me saying we all need to create our own boundaries.

I choose to set up my Half Pigeon in a specific way because it helps me bypass physical pain in my knees while providing me with insightful sensation in my outer hips. I choose to set up my Half Pigeon in a way that makes me feel like I have agency over my body. When I give myself the space to choose how I set up a shape I am providing myself with healthy boundaries. When I give myself the space to choose how I set up a shape in my practice I am also reminding myself I have the power to choose how I interact with the people and beings around me in a healthy manner. Based on previous experiences and explorations both on and off my yoga mat, I will create boundaries and make choices that allow me to avoid future pain.

By creating boundaries I am not necessarily bypassing discomfort. I do believe a bit of discomfort is necessary in order to learn, grow, and create forward progress. And we all know life is hard, relationships can be painful, and we cannot avoid challenging and uncomfortable situations in our lives. Through the practice we collect information, make educated choices, and establish boundaries that provide us with a supportive path forward.

If we sit with discomfort and realize it is not supportive in our growth as human beings it is time to move on because sometimes leaning into discomfort is not worth it.

Union Method

When I was a kid my family and I used to stay at a cabin on Leech Lake in northern MN. I have a lot of memories of Leech Lake, but I always come back to a specific piece of candy. Whenever we went into town I’d get a massive Jawbreaker from the candy store. I’d work on that thing for weeks, forget about it, and then months later find its disgusting remains in a plastic bag tucked away somewhere in my room. Before throwing it out I’d always think, If only I had stuck with it I’d finally get to the center of that darn thing.

Yoga is a lot like the Jawbreaker from my childhood. There’s layers upon layers that require time and discipline to unravel. Although the practice of yoga might not provide the instant gratification of a sugar high, the more time you spend with it the more deeply complex and rich it becomes.

Take the word yoga as an example. How many times have you heard the word defined as to yoke, to unite, or union? These definitions are not wrong. These definitions are kind of like the outermost layer of the Jawbreaker. There’s more beyond that outer layer. You just have to go deeper to get there.

There’s one definition of the word that has stuck with me:

union-method

I came across this definition for the first time in Richard Rosen’s Original Yoga. He describes how the simple notion of yoga as union doesn’t encapsulate the full meaning. Yoga is an active practice of managing the busy mind - or as Rosen describes it, the beast - so that the “living self” can be yoked to the “great self” - or a higher power.

Not into the whole higher power or divine stuff? Consider yoga to be the method in which you unite with other beings or the world around you.

|| This post is now going to take a bit of a turn. I invite you to hang with me. If you’re completely exhausted from all things 2020 and elections, I understand if you head somewhere else at this time. ||

This past weekend I worked my first shift as an election judge. Never did I think I’d sign up to be an election judge. Apparently it took four challenging for me to step up and get involved in the democratic process. My shift was at an absentee ballot drop-off site in a suburb just outside the Twin Cities. For four hours I stood in the cold waiting for cars to pull up so that I could examine their signature envelop before I slide it into the ballot box.

In order for the process to be fair and safe, I was unable to look over someone’s ballot envelope without someone from the opposing political party present. Our whole group of election judges had be made up an equal balance of Republicans and Democrats.

To be clear, I come from a family of conservatives. I hear them. I see them. I do my best to understand their political alliances. And at the same time our relationships have been far from easy. Since I first cast my ballot for John Kerry in the 2004 presidential election politics has become an ever present and painful topic with my family. Based on my personal experiences it feels like equal balance is never possible.

Turns out I actually enjoyed those four hours spent with the equally balanced group. Our dividing topic, politics, could not be discussed. Instead we talked about hunting, traveling, our favorite winter gear, dogs, our childhoods, and I got to hear all about my fellow election judges’ grandchildren. (Side note: My fellow millennials, we really need to step it up and support the polls more in the future.)

Don’t get me wrong. My blood just boils when I think about the current administration, the state in which our country is in, and the constant handing of power over to the already powerful. At the same time my shift as an election judge made me step back, see the humans in front of me, and question how I will unite with those who have differing political opinions for myself.

And now we come back to yoga. What method will I use to create a sense of union? How will I actively work toward uniting with my fellow Americans during these deeply divided times? Even though many are rightfully outraged, how can I encourage others to work through the division and move toward unity?

Some would say I’m being naive. Perhaps I am. We can’t change overnight. An entire country cannot heal in a week, month, four years. We can, however, see each other, listen to each other, and find our method to stay united.

And if/when the attempts to unite don’t go as planned, consider rolling out your mat and run through a few Sun Salutations.

When Is It Enough?

Lately I’ve been teaching a Sunday morning class on Zoom. It’s a flow and meditation format and it has become my favorite class to teach.

I can’t pinpoint if it’s the class itself or the buildup to teaching that I appreciate the most.

As the format is 75 minutes of me gabbing at a computer screen about movement and sitting, I tend to take more time to prep myself for the offering.

Most Sundays I wake up around 6, drink some water, get the pup ready for a walk, and listen to an episode of Michael Stone’s podcast Awake in the World while we go for a stroll. Stone’s dharma talks always seem to shed light on something I’m struggling with that week. His voice grounds me and provides me with the focus to lead my Sunday practices.

Recently, while on my Sunday prep walk, I was listening to one of his talks on asteya. If you’re familiar with the concept there’s a good chance asteya has been translated to you as non-stealing. In this specific talk Stone refers to asteya in many ways, one definition Stone provides is that asteya means to be satisfied. I appreciate that perspective. Sure, I think we can all agree that it’s best if we do not steal from others, but Stone’s definition goes deeper. He pokes at the reason one might steal.

What are we lacking? Why are we unsatisfied?

We’re all living in a space that accentuates more, more, more! At what point is it enough?

I was recently working with a beloved student who mentioned their tight hamstrings many times throughout the practice. This was not an isolated incident. At one point in my teaching career, when I was grinding away at teaching 15+ classes per week, I’d hear someone say, “My hamstrings are so tight!” no less than forty times. Humans have a funny relationship with their hamstrings and yoga shines a big ‘ol spotlight on that relationship.

So you’ve got tight hamstrings? Who cares!

So you can’t touch your toes? Who cares!

So you can’t wedge your chin and nose between your shins in a seated forward bend? Why does it matter?!?

Sure, being able to tie your own shoes as you age could be seen as an important skill. And being able to bend down to pick up your kids or grandkids is essential for many. I get that. But does touching your toes make you a better human? Probably not.

For many yoga students who primarily focus on the shapes, it becomes this process of never being enough.

Say you start practicing postural yoga and you’ve got tight hamstrings. After a few months of regular practice you gain some mobility and your forward bends go from you being able to touch your knees to you being able to touch your ankles. Progress! Fast forward a year or so and you can now put your hands on the floor. More progress! Now what’s next? Will you be satisfied with just being able to touch your toes? Or will you be itching to put blocks under your feet and go above and beyond?

I appreciate people who are goal-oriented. I am right there with those folks! But at what cost? When will your forward bend be enough? And what are you missing when you’re always striving for the next big shape?

Yoga is a journey. Yoga is a continuous, never-ending path. What happens when we forget to hit pause and appreciate the progress we’ve made along the path? We get so caught up in our desire to go bigger or do better and then we develop a sense of never being satisfied. Throughout the process we steal our own ability to appreciate what we have in the moment.

Let’s stop stealing from ourselves. Let’s allow ourselves to pause for a moment and simply be satisfied.

And trust me, it’s okay if you have tight hamstrings.

Zoom Appreciation Post

Lots of people have been talking about how COVID has given them the opportunity to explore their passion projects.

Got laid off from your job and collecting unemployment? Why not revisit your love of creating things and start your own Etsy store?

Hours have been cut from the job you hated? Why not go back to school?

COVID sucks. The circumstances in which we’re living are not awesome. And, at the same time, it’s giving many people, myself included, the space to reinvent themselves and truly consider how they want to spend their time.

Before I share how this time has affected my teaching, I want to acknowledge the privilege many have to even hit pause to consider their next move. I think of the essential workers who have been holding things down this entire time. I think of the parents who supported their kids with virtual learning in the spring and the stress they’re managing as they plan for the fall. The pseudo-paid holiday mentality is not a reality for all.

For me these last five months have been a wave of emotions. I’ve paddled my way through sadness, elation, relief, stress, and grief. Lots and lots of grief. And throughout that whole time one thing has been consist: I’ve continued to teach yoga and investigate what I want out of the process.

For clarity, I don’t actually teach yoga for me. However, I do strive to create a space that feels authentic and sustainable for me as a teacher. When I was a younger, eager yoga teacher I took any and every teaching job. They weren’t always in the best locations, they weren’t always the style of classes that felt authentic to me, and 92% of the time the pay was terrible, but I did it anyway! I wanted to teach and was willing to put in the work.

I am now over a decade into this yoga teaching thing and know that mentality is not sustainable.

Here’s what COVID has provided me: An opportunity to create classes that feel right.

Over the last few years I’ve fallen out of love with drop-in studio classes. Drop-in classes are fine and they serve their purpose. They just aren’t what I always want to teach.

My style of teaching is more about developing content over time to give students - and me - an opportunity to learn and grow. Yoga is a subject to be learned over time. Drop-in classes make it harder to teach with that mentality.

Insert COVID and Zoom yoga classes.

I get it. We’re five months into this mess and everyone is probably over Zoom. After a full day of Zoom calls for work followed up by a Zoom yoga class might Zoom-overload.

Here’s the thing, Zoom has allowed yoga teachers to teach classes that feel real to them. Especially when teachers are doing their thing without the expectations set by a studio or brand, teachers have the opportunity to explore their teaching style and connect with students on a new level.

A couple years ago I rented a space to offer my own classes. The restraints set by the traditional studio weren’t fulfilling me as a teacher. I felt like it was time for me to create a space that allowed me to teach in my way to students who were eager to learn in such an environment. Sadly that space didn’t last long due to circumstances that were out of my control, but it was an opportunity for me to turn my wheels and get a taste of what I wanted as a teacher.

With Zoom I don’t have the overhead of a rental space - or the challenges of a space that floods when the heat is on. I simply shuffle the pets out of my home studio, click on the Zoom app on my phone, and start connecting with students. Sure, Zoom will never be exactly like connecting in-person, but I have felt like I am developing stronger personal connections with students now, over Zoom, than I ever did at studios.

For now, I’ll continue to teach the few in-person, outdoor, and Zoom studio classes that are on my schedule while exploring long-form series options via Zoom.

Again, I realize Zoom gets exhausting. With Zoom I am developing a deeper appreciation of doing practice in whatever space is available that day, in whatever clothes are kind of clean without worrying about what I look like in a mirror or struggling with the process of comparing myself to what others are doing in the class.

Remember, yoga doesn’t need a fancy studio or fancy brand name clothes. Yoga just needs you to show up as you are.

Zen & The Art of Cake Baking

I married into a family that appreciates baked goods. I grew up never fully understanding the beauty of the perfect chocolate chip cookie. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are very talented bakers and, simply by my own accord, I feel anxious about baking.

Every December the three of us do a full day of cookie baking. My mother-in-law creates a detailed list of all the treats we’ll make that day. Every year is the same. I ask for the least involved jobs because I do not want to mess up the holiday spread.

The thing is, I actually enjoy baking. I typically put on some music or a podcast and get to work. However, before COVID, I always felt rushed. I never felt like I had the time to really commit to a baking project. I’d end up stressed out, I’d make a mistake along the way, and things wouldn’t turn out as I had hoped.

Now, on so many levels, things are different. I have more free time than I’ve ever had in the last decade and I’m giving myself the space to enjoy things outside of work.

I’ve been baking a lot during the stay-at-home order. I don’t get too creative or outside the box. I like straight forward cakes that have multiple layers, fillings, and some type of buttercream frosting. I enjoy taking my time. I enjoy measuring the ingredients and weighing each cake before I put them in the oven.

I’ve also eaten a lot of cake during the stay-at-home order. I have really enjoyed that too.

Recently my husband bought me special cake flour that is locally milled. I was excited to up my cake baking game.

Last week I tried out the new flour for the first time. I was going big with this fancy flour. My plan was a multilayer vanilla sponge cake with two different mousse fillings covered in swiss meringue buttercream.

I sifted the flour, took my time folding in the egg whites, and paid close attention to how long the cakes were in the oven. While the cakes were baking I made two different ganaches, butterscotch and chocolate, that would eventually become mousse. It was about then that I realized I did not have enough heavy whipping cream to make the mousse.

No big deal!

Once the cakes were done and while the ganaches were cooling I headed to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, the store was completely out of heavy whipping cream.

Again, no big deal! I can adapt!

I Googled alternatives to heavy whipping cream and kept a positive mindset.

Sadly, the alternatives fell flat. Literally.

No big deal! I can adapt again!

New plan. This cake was now going to have a lemon and lime curd filling with a cream cheese frosting. It was going to be glorious.

The curd turned out beautifully. Although I didn’t have enough powdered sugar, I made some adjustments and came up with a decent cream cheese frosting.

All of the elements were ready and it was time to assemble this cake!

I sliced the sponges in half, piped on the lemon and lime curd between the layers, and frosted the top with the cream cheese frosting.

After dinner my husband cut into the cake and to my horror the bottom half of both sponges was raw. RAW! Even though the many toothpicks I used to check the cakes before I took them out of the oven came out clean those darn sponges were not fully baked!

I was so disappointed to throw out those beautiful cakes, but there was not much else that could be done. I spent probably a total of five hours working on that thing and it just ended up in the garbage.

The next day I woke up, felt motivated to redeem myself, and decided to make another cake. This one was going to be a banana cake with layers of chocolate mousse (after I went to another store to get heavy whipping cream) topped with a cream cheese frosting. I’ll spare you the details, but his cake suffered the same fate as the cake from the day before. It was raw.

I’m chalking it up to the fancy flour. It’s going to require some experimentation for me to find the best ratio of ingredients in order to fully bake a cake with this new flour.

All in all, that was a long story about patience and non attachment.

I spent hours (HOURS!) on those cakes to just throw them out. (Well I did attempt a rescue mission with the second one, but it was not pretty.) This disastrous cake baking experience made me think about my yoga and meditation practice.

I’m not doing my yoga practice to master something - granted I do want to refine my cake baking skills. I can’t do the practice to get attached to the outcome. Sometimes my yoga and meditation practice is messy. Sometimes (often) cake baking is messy. Regularly my meditation practice and cake baking agendas do not go as planned.

And that’s okay.

The willingness to adapt and be content with an unexpected outcome is a huge takeaway. The willingness to wake up and get back to it the next day is essential.

It’s all a practice. We just can’t be attached to the outcome. Even when the cake is raw.

Yoga in the Time of COVID-19, Pt. 4

During this stay-at-home order my husband and I have been watching Star Wars. We’re watching all of the films, minus the The Ewok Adventure and Star Wars Christmas Special, in chronological order. I grew up watching the original series and, like most Star Wars appreciators, I have only seen the prequel films once because that’s all I could mentally manage.

It’s actually been enjoyable to chip away at the series. The story is actually really good and entertaining.

Now prepare yourself for all sorts of nerdy. And not my usual yoga nerdy…

Spoiler alert, Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vader in the prequel. He’s unable to detach himself from fear and anger which ultimately leads him from his path as a Jedi to becoming Vader. From the beginning Yoda was ambivalent about Anakin training to become a Jedi. Yoda sensed Anakin was unable to move past the death of his mother, the future death of his wife, and by giving into his grief and hate he’d turn into a Sith.

Yoda is making a point for all of us here.

Especially during these radically daunting times it’s easy to feel sad, anxious, and angry. And let me be real - it’s important that we allow ourselves to feel all of those things. We’re not robots. Or droids. But the longer we dwell and sit in those feelings the harder it is to climb out of them.

I have been in major grief mode these last few weeks. I’ve been grieving the job I had and the community I was apart of for over a decade. Never did I think my position there would end due to a pandemic. But it did.

The more I sit in my grief the worse I feel. I start to feel anger toward my former employer and our current circumstances. That anger gets me nowhere. It might lead me to sitting on my couch scrolling through social media platforms for hours which truly is nowhere.

Again, we’re humans and it’s important that we allow ourselves to experience all of our humanness. But there comes a point when the cycle needs to slow down, stop, and reverse its course.

For me, some days are good - some days are bad. And that’s just fine with me. On the bad days I allow myself to reflect upon why I’m feeling bad without judgement. I take the time to evaluate my patterns and consider how I can make the next day a little bit better.

As always movement often helps. It’s not a cureall, but in moments when you’re feeling down consider moving your body. Roll out your mat and do a yoga practice. Take a walk or run around your neighborhood while practicing social distancing. Put on your favorite music and dance around the house. There’s a good chance it’ll help. Even if it’s just a little bit.

And, if you’re looking for movie suggestions during this time, have you considered Star Wars? The prequel isn’t great - the CGI is overdone and the acting is not good - but the overall story and theme is good. Plus trying to recreate the lightsaber fights could be an excellent way to move your body.

Yoga in the Time of COVID-19, Pt. 3

Here we are, friends. We’ve completed one full week of the stay at home order here in Minnesota. This also marks three full weeks since I’ve taught an in-person yoga class. It feels like it has been both an eternity and a split second. Each day bleeds into the next and time feels like it has no true measurement.

In the past week I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. After I was laid off from my primary teaching gig I was initially okay. I wasn’t exactly shocked by the company’s decision. However, shortly after the announcement, I dropped into fear and anxiety. I’m grateful there’s safeguards like unemployment and a stimulus package in place, but the reality that my employer of over ten years is no longer my employer has felt heavy. The support from students with online classes instantly gave me hope and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. And then the process of filing for unemployment benefits and shopping for health insurance dropped me back into dread.

As I’ve mentioned before, and I will continue to remind myself, I am not alone.

The world is in a terrifying crisis and if shopping for health insurance is the worst thing I have to face in a day then I’d say I’m doing really well.

During our unusual circumstances I have learned a lot about humans and businesses. Take my former employer as an example. Although owned by a large private equity firm, they either didn’t have the funds available or couldn’t reason with making cuts elsewhere to maintain their staff. Of course, I have zero idea what it’s like to run a business on that massive scale. I can’t blame them for choosing to layoff their staff. On the flipside, from the information I’ve gathered, a lot of local, independently owned studios continue to pay their teachers during these chaotic times. They have adapted to online classes and are supporting their communities. Some studios have even told me their businesses are doing better now with online offerings than when they only offered in-person classes!

I’m also impressed by companies like Lululemon who just announced that their employees will continue to receive pay through June 1st. That might say a thing or two about the clothing brand’s profit margins, but it’s nice to know their money is going toward supporting their staff. Lululemon is even providing $2 million in relief for studio owners who are in their ambassador program.

Sadly, I continue to be faced with people and businesses looking to take advantage of those who are feeling lost during these times. Every few days I receive an email or social media message from an acquaintance or complete stranger trying to list my class offerings for a fee or a percentage of the the money I collect. Don’t get me wrong. A lot of these offers are from well intentioned entrepreneurs and I realize everyone is trying to make a buck. Just please don’t prey on those who are down on their luck and searching for a job, community, their next endeavor.

For me, I’ve enjoyed the freedom of working for myself. It’s not easy. By no means is it as financially stable as working for a big company. But the ability to teach classes that feel right to me as an educator has been glorious.

A good friend and regular student of mine asked me after practice the other day, “Are these the types of classes you’d prefer to teach?” Heck yes! I no longer teach under the guidelines of a brand and can run wild with my own style. It’s been rewarding and refreshing.

At the same time I am honored and humbled by the local studios that have supported me. Samadhi and Rise Yoga have been grounding forces that continue to remind me why yoga studios are important. Online, pre-recorded classes are great. You can take a class with hundreds of excellent teachers on YouTube whenever it is convenient in your life. However, nothing compares to the familiarity of a certain teacher, a space, the people you share that space with.

When you can, support the businesses in your community. Take an online class at your local yoga studio.. Shop at local grocery stores if they’re convenient. Order books from your local bookseller. Consider how you can help out those around you. Remember, we’re all in this together.

Be well and stay safe, everyone.

Yoga in the Time of COVID-19, Pt. 2

I would say my last blog post, my first post during the Coronavirus pandemic, was relatively chipper. I was excited about practicing with so many admirable teachers online and grateful I could stay connected with my yoga community through offering my own live, online classes.

Well, folks, this one might take a bit of a turn.

After hitting publish on my last post I hit a rut. I was sad. I layed around my house a lot. I felt depressed and unmotivated. And you know what? It’s okay that I felt sad and depressed. We are living in utterly bizarre and scary times! You, me, all of us, we get to feel sad and depressed. Our lives have been royally disrupted and it’s perfectly fine if your days are not filled with yoga, sunshine, and puppies.

I have to remind myself, you need to feel however you need to feel in the moment.

With that, in my present state, I’m now feeling grief.

I’m grieving the position I held for over ten years.

On Friday, March 27 I was notified that all CorePower Yoga instructors would be laid off. Deep down I wasn’t surprised. No revenue for a company means no money for staff.

So here I am. Mourning the almost 7000 classes and countless CPY teacher trainings I facilitated over ten years. It just feels heavy.

I am going to let myself be sad when I am sad. And I also need to realize I am not alone in this mess. Every single CPY teacher was laid off yesterday. A good portion of their management team too. We are now a part of the over 3 million Americans that will file for unemployment. Talk about heavy.

At the end of the day I need to remind myself how lucky I am to be in my current position. My husband is still working. We are not a single income household. Even after losing my primary income and our health insurance we are going to be just fine. We have a safe place to live. We have plenty of food and easy access to a grocery store when needed. We have the privilege to work from home. We can still get outside everyday and walk our dog. We are going to be just fine.

I have friends in NYC who are losing their loved ones to COVID. Many of my students are health care professionals and they are literally risking their lives for the sake of others. It’s absolutely devastating. It’s heavy and real and we as humans are managing the best we can during these circumstances.

In the meantime, please know that if you’re a yoga practitioner, the practice of yoga is always there for you. During this time you’ve probably encountered countless teachers offering their classes online. Support teachers when/if you can. Many teachers are offering free classes too.

If you are interested in practicing with me via live, online classes. Check out my schedule and you can pre register for most classes below:

I am also grateful for the independent, local studios in the Twin Cities that have supported me during this time. That includes Samadhi who has continued to provide online classes for those who donate any amount. Through Samadhi I am still getting paid for my time. And shout out to Rise Yoga who reached out at an important moment. Stay tuned as I will be offering online classes at Rise very soon!

Before I sign off I want to leave. you with some important resources. Again, these a difficult times. Please know that support is there if you need it.

The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) has state chapters to support the mental health of our communities. You can find resources on how to support your own mental health and find lines of support through your local chapter. MN NAMI

During this time of shelter in place, or stay at home orders, we have to consider that the home is not the safest place for all. Advocates are available for those who feel unsafe in their homes during these times via the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Lastly, if you are feeling down, let yourself feel down. At the same time consider moving your body, get outside, call or (even better) FaceTime with a friend, make yourself a really good cup of coffee or tea, indulge in your favorite candy, read a book, sit in the sun. Most importantly, step away from the social media when you can and hit pause on the consumption of news. It will make a difference.

Yoga in the Time of COVID-19, Pt. 1

As I type this I’m on day ten of social distancing and voluntary isolation. It’s been strange, frustrating, and, at times, enjoyable.

Prior to the outbreak of COVID-19 I spent most of my days teaching yoga to a lot of people. Some days were amazing. Some days were challenging. Often the challenging days were due to regularly feeling depleted. With teaching so many classes a week, and serving so many people day in and day out, it’s hard to not feel depleted. The constant give and take of energy takes its toll.

On the flipside, those interactions fed and fueled me to continue on my path of service.

Now, for the last week and a half, those in-person interactions and exchanges are gone.

On Thursday, March 12 I was informed that Samadhi, an independent studio where I teach, would be suspending classes. The space is small and providing enough room for students to spread out their mats just wasn’t an option. I commend Molly, the studio owner, not only for acting so swifting, but for also putting into action a plan to make online classes accessible to students while also paying teachers for their time to create online classes.

With the suspension of classes at Samadhi I grew nervous. Were my CorePower Yoga classes going to be put on pause soon too?

Sure enough, on the evening of Sunday, March 15 I was notified that all CPY studios would suspend their classes for at least two weeks. Considering 98% of my income comes from CPY classes my heart sank into my stomach. I got anxious. I got sad. I initially thought of myself and those who make a living teaching yoga classes. I quickly had to remember that we’re not alone in these feelings. Just about the whole world was facing a similar unknown future. When would we receive our next paycheck? How long would we be without steady income?

The following day, Monday, March 16 all CPY employees were invited onto a call. We were informed that we would be paid for two weeks while classes were suspended. I almost cried while receiving the news. I was (and am) grateful for the company’s kindness. I can only imagine that it was not an easy decision.

The anxiety of losing income subsided and made way for a new stressor: How was I going to spend my time without consistent work? I LIVE FOR A STEADY CALENDAR OF EVENTS!

Since that Monday I’ve had to get grounded in a relatively steady routine. Without routine I get lazy and energetically heavy. I know I needed to stick to some type of schedule to feel physically and mentally well. I’ve been consistent with my yoga practice. To be real, I’ve taken more guided classes in the last ten days than I have in probably taken in the last six months combined. I’ve prioritized taking the dog for long walks and going out for a run. I take my time sipping my coffee in the morning. I’ve scheduled in phone and FaceTime dates with friends to stay connected. I painted and rearranged my office to create a space that feels good for my practice and teaching.

Overall, I question if I’ll be ready to get back into the rat race of teaching all day everyday once things go back to normal. Forcing my workaholic tendencies to slow way down this time has been good for me. I feel more grounded and focused than ever before. I do not, I REPEAT, I do not want our world to suffer through this pandemic. I just wish it didn’t take a pandemic for me hit pause and appreciate what I’ve got going on around me.

I will say I deeply miss my community. As taxing as it can be to serve a lot of people everyday, I miss seeing everyone’s faces. The exchange of energy in the yoga room that serves students serves me just as much, maybe even more, when I’m teaching.

I was reluctant to jump on the virtual yoga class bandwagon, but I knew it would be good for me. And I was right. Guiding a community of people through asana, breath, and meditation has been healing for me. It’s helped me feel connected while living in relative isolation.

For those of you who have joined me in practice, thank you. Your presence, although through a computer screen, means the world to me.

As I look ahead to the next week or so, I feel my initial anxiety from a week ago begin to creep up inside. CPY studios in MN are tentatively scheduled to reopen March 30. Will that happen? And if they don’t, will I no longer get paid?

My feelings are not alone. I think of my yoga peers who have lost all of their teaching jobs. (Not to mention those in the restaurant industry, other fitness professionals, etc.) As of right now, some can’t even file for unemployment benefits due to their status as contractors and small business owners. Many teachers have shifted their efforts to online classes to attempt to keep the ball rolling. However, that has its challenges.

We, as a yoga community, are all stepping into a broad unknown. Many of us, myself included, are offering live and pre-recorded content to stay connected. Many of us are offering online classes to maintain some type of income. Here’s the sticky part: Many of us, myself included, are offering free or donation-based online classes because we want to keep serving others during these difficult times. However, does the wave of free content minimize the efforts of those who are asking for some type of payment for their work? Or am I the only one seeing the world through that lens?

Again, it’s sticky and we’re all navigating this new space.

I’m sure I’ll be back with more thoughts soon, but something to consider: During this time support the people, brands, businesses you believe in. Your support may not come in the form of money. Perhaps you give someone a shout out on social media or give suggestions to your friends while having a Zoom happy hour.

We’re all playing a weird game of Red Rover - while enforcing social distancing. Let’s all manage our way through to the other side of this together.

To Namaste or Not to Namaste?

In my 10+ years of teaching yoga I have ended 99.99% of my classes with the word namaste. That’s over 7000 classes ending with students bowing forward and repeating the word — a word that, for many practitioners, marks the final moment of their yoga practice before they roll up their mat and continue on with their day.

For the last year or so I have wrestled with the word. Should I end my class with namaste? What would happen if I didn’t?

Last Wednesday I took the leap and decided to do away with the word. Since then I’ve been experimenting with different ways to wrap up classes. I’m experimenting with ways that feel more authentic to me as a yoga teacher and human. It’s been utterly uncomfortable and weird, but totally worth it.

So why the change?

I think a lot about how I teach yoga. I think a lot about how I hold myself in the yoga room and how I conduct my classes. As I was planning my classes for the next few weeks I had to pause. I am very thoughtful in how I organize my classes. There’s a clear reason as to why certain postures appear in my classes. But something was amiss. I had no clear reason as to why I ended my classes with namaste.

The only reason I could conjure was because it’s what I’ve always done and it’s what everyone expects in their yoga class. Oh, and it’s easy. It’s easy to just do what everyone expects.

I hope we can all agree those are not good enough reasons.

By no means do I want to take away namaste from those who choose to end their classes with the word. It’s just something I’ve decided to eliminate from the classes I facilitate.

Over the last few decades the usage of the word namaste has kind of spiraled out of control. Teachers and students might use the word to feel like they’re doing some type of traditional, ancient yoga. But what is traditional, ancient yoga? I’m just guessing here, but I’m pretty sure your average modern, Western practitioner isn’t interested in performing the Vasti Kriya — an ancient yogic hygiene practice. Or perhaps you do and I want you to give me a full report on your experience afterwards!

Namaste appears in the Rig Veda as a term of worship or salutation. I can get behind that concept. However, in the 3000+ years since the Vedic text was compiled, namaste is now used by many Hindi-speaking populations as a simple greeting. Just as the practice of yoga has transformed greatly over the last few thousand years, the use of the word namaste has evolved and changed. I feel strongly that I should accept and act accordingly with the evolution of a language that is not my own.

Maybe we as a community can create better dialogue about the words we use in yoga classes and consider how those words affect other populations. We can discuss the use of words like namaste and om on merchandise and marketing materials. And perhaps we can have conversations about the manipulation of namaste into phrases like “I’m gonna nama-stay in bed”.

I teach a movement-based yoga practice. My hope is for people to leave their practice feeling physically and mentally strong and agile. I’m not trying to put on some divine pretense. I have been programmed to wrap up my classes in the same way over and over again, but now I’ve decided to just stop. So come take my class! Bear witness to my total discomfort as I work around what simply became a mindless habit.

And while we’re getting into semantics, I regularly question if I should even label my classes as yoga. It’s something I’m sure I’ll forever ponder.

Keep Your Expectations Low

In 2019 I started what I saw as my dream job. I was incredibly honored to be offered the position and was eager to jump into a new challenge. To be clear, the job was rewarding. I had the opportunity to teach in a way that was fulfilling and pushed me to solidify my perspective on the practice of yoga.

Unfortunately, the position came with some baggage. It was taxing. It was draining in a way I had not expected.

As I crept toward a full year in my position I had to make a decision. Was I going to stick around and continue with the job? Maybe it was time to move on and seek out something different? (Maybe even enjoy some time off?) Before I made my decision to stay or go, I figured I’d at least try to negotiate the terms of my contract. Seems reasonable, right? A full year in a position without incident could merit a small pay increase.

When given the opportunity to express myself I was left disappointed by the response. Not disappointed that a pay raise was not available. I fully realized that would most likely be the outcome of my inquiry. I was left disappointed because my request was met with “keep your expectations low” and “if you decide to not come back let us know if you have a recommendation for your replacement”.

I would assume most people would be disheartened by such a response. For me, this response carried a heavier weight of sadness. The person delivering those words was once my teacher and mentor. Wouldn’t a teacher want their former student to succeed and fight for their worth? Doesn’t a teacher want their students — past and present — to aim high?

I realize the details of my contract probably weren’t easily negotiable. The position was woven into a ludicrous bureaucratic system. I don’t blame the messenger. I do have frustrations toward the message.

I’ve been reflecting on that interaction for the last month. I’m proud of myself for walking away from a position that saw me as easily replaceable. I’m proud of myself for speaking up and acknowledging my worth. In the health and wellness industry it’s easy to take whatever gig for whatever pay because we love the work. However, at the end of the day we have something of value to offer our students and communities. Our experience and expertise does not come for free.

I didn’t become a seasoned yoga teacher over night. I have worked hard. I have studied and continue to refine my skills. I believe that deserves respect.

I hope all people realize they deserve to set their expectations high. Expect the most from your workplace. Expect the most from the people around you. Stay humble and realistic while acknowledging that you have so much to offer.

Change is Good. Right?

Over the last few months I’ve shared with friends, colleagues, students that I’ve been feeling restless, like something needs to shift. About 90% of the time my comment has been met with, “It’s fall. Change always happens in the fall.” Okay. I’ll go with that. The season of fall prompts change.

What kind of change, you ask? I’m not entirely sure, but my restlessness has caused me to do some reflecting. Celebrating my tenth year as a yoga teacher gave me some pause. Am I doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life? Well… not exactly. Some days I feel like a hamster going around and around on her wheel.

Inhale, lift your right leg high.

Six hours later…

Inhale, lift your right leg high.

The next day…

Inhale, lift your right leg high.

I feel incredibly grateful that I get paid to say, “Inhale, lift your right leg high” because I truly love it! But the repetition of teaching day in and day out is wearing on me. Although I know what I am doing is beneficial for those who take the time to practice yoga, I’ve felt the pull to do a little more.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Way down memory lane…

When I started college (a long time ago) I had no clue what I was going to study. In the first couple months of my freshman year I attended a seminars featuring various academic departments and majors to get the wheels turning. After chatting with a professor from the social work department I learned about the chemical dependency counseling track. Yes! I had a drive to help others, and perhaps this was my path! I started doing research and talked to other professors in the department. Unfortunately, I quickly learned I didn’t have the skin for such a field. My softness and my tendency to cry at the drop of a hat wasn’t well suited for the stress of the job.

So I ended up transferring schools a year later and studied dance!

My drive to help others has never diminished. I realize I am helping others through teaching yoga. However, I feel the desire to help others who perhaps don’t have access to nice yoga studios due to their social, economic, racial, or geographic circumstances.

Over the last few years I’ve been lucky to work alongside inspiring people who have developed nonprofits that are dedicated to serving others. I am amazed by their drive and selfless missions.

When I recently felt the itch for change I knew it meant changing things up to create space for more projects that serve others. It’s not much, but I’m now dedicating a little more time to volunteering and supporting programming through Canine Inspired Change. Wallace, my pup, and I do social-emotional therapy work with youth in a juvenile detention center and an after school program. It’s important for young people, no matter their circumstances, to feel the loving kindness of an animal.

Change, for me at least, also means learning a new skill. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in an educational setting that doesn’t involve yoga. Since I decided to make changes to serve others I made space to enroll in a grant writing class. I’m learning about how to support nonprofits through fundraising and program awareness. I’m using these skills to support another organization that is near and dear to my heart, Karuna Community MN. Karuna brings mindfulness, compassion-based tools to those affected by the criminal justice system. My hope is to support Karuna through my skills as a yoga and meditation teacher while flexing my writing skills to fund their impactful programming. Oh, and I was recently added as a board member for the organization. Never have I felt so adult.

I love routine. I appreciate knowing exactly what will happen each day. It’s satisfying and maddening. But change is good, right? Giving myself permission to step away from my routine is anxiety-inducing and freeing. Change gives me space to consider my potential.

Thanks for being a part of the change.

In case you’re interested in supporting Canine Inspired Change or Karuna Community MN through a financial donation, check out the links below. Reach out if you want to support either organization through volunteering and supporting programming!